I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
