I'll bet she douches with gravy.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
