so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
