After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
