Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
