i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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