You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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