He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I need to stop coming to work sober
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
