From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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