He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize