Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
