Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize