oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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