her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
