GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
