It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Randomize
