Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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