She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
