i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
