I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
