I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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