Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
