maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex on a dog bed..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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