btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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