well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize