Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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