My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
