I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
