the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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