i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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