I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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