i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
