Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
