apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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