shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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