apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
