So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
