Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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