i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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