its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
