In the future we'll all be gay
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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