she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
