you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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