I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
