just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
