im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
