you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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