OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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