toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
