Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
