I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
