I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
