I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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