Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
