I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
