I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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