I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
