At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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