There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Randomize
