My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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